I guess I go to the same Crunch as Billy Crystal, because I found his script for this year’s Oscar telecast on the locker room floor this morning. I can’t believe it happened, either. Anyway, check it out. It sounds like it’s gonna be a really fun night!
(2 minutes) Opening montage: Billy Crystal comically inserted into actual footage from best picture nominees; audience winces at sight of Crystal butt-fucking Rooney Mara.
(15 minutes) Billy Crystal takes the stage and does 45 minutes of his Sammy Davis Jr. impression; follows each line with a winking glance at Viola Davis. Davis stares, unamused.
(1 hour) Billy Crystal talks about the Yankees for 10 minutes.
(1 hour, 15 minutes) Billy Crystal interrupts “In Memoriam” montage to make apropos-of-nothing remark that he was supposed to be Jackie Chan’s co-star in “Shanghai Noon,” not of Owen Wilson; holds for non-existent applause.
(1 hour, 18 minutes) “Artist” wins Best Original Screenplay; Billy Crystal makes self-deprecating joke about the failure of “My Giant”; instantly regrets joke, blames writers for letting him do it, and falls into deep depression about career/life in general.
(1 hour, 19 minutes) Slightly balding lesbian takes over while Billy Crystal sobs offstage. Nobody seems to notice the switch.
(1 hour, 45 minutes) Billy Crystal returns.
(2 hours) Longtime friend Robin Williams surprises Billy Crystal to cheer him up, entering onto stage with a full cartwheel; INSTANTLY suffers second heart attack; air lifted to Cedars-Sinai.
(2 hours, 30 minutes) Curtains close on Billy Crystal as he falls to his knees and pounds the stage asking why everyone in his life must die; sobbingly attempts final Sammy Davis Jr. impression. Show ends.
Pat, you will always be my favourite person at CH.